Raajeev Aggerwhil
By Raajeev Aggerwhil
Hindus believe in reincarnation. Based on your karmas in this current life, you come back as a human or a different animal in the next life. I don’t know how my karma will be judged but I decided to let my mind wander through an array of possibilities of reincarnated life forms.
What if I come back as a dog? I may not have a say in this matter but if I come as a dog, I want to be born in the US. In fact, it may be cool coming back as a dog, especially in Beverly Hills. I’ll be eating at Whole Foods, wearing Gucci harnesses and Apple watches on all four of my legs. Walking around Hollywood, I notice that many of the dogs dress better than I do! In fact, if I get a clue now about my future life form as a dog, I can start planning. I can bury some kibbles in my backyard and at popular places like Malibu Beach, 3rd street Promenade, and Rodeo Drive.
If I come back as a dog, I don’t want to be born in India. I would be a stray dog, roaming the streets, ignored and neglected. I definitely do not want to come back as a dog in China, Korea, the Philippines or Vietnam. I’ll be part of their dim sum.
Depending on my karma, I may get upgraded to a cow. I don’t want to come back as a cow in the US. I’ll spend my life being injected with hormones, giving out milk and eventually being part of a McDonald’s Big Mac. I wouldn’t mind coming back as a cow in India. People might worship me. After I have served my purpose, they may ignore me, letting me roam the streets or make me part of a Goshala. But at least they won’t kill me mercilessly.
If the grading is on a curve and my karmas don’t get reviewed favorably, I hope I don’t come back as a pig. I don’t want to be a pig in the US. Actually, I don’t want to be a pig anywhere in the world.
If my grade is an A, I may come back as a human being but as a woman. I know I don’t want to come back as a woman in China. I would like my feet to breathe and not be bound. I wouldn’t prefer to be born in the Middle East either. I am ambivalent about coming back as a woman in India. It may not be too bad, especially in the urban areas. I am pretty sure I would prefer to come back as a woman in the US. I may earn 1/3rd less but it might still be worth it.
If I come back as a man, I don’t know if I would have a say in my career choice. If I am coming back as a nerd or an engineer, I definitely want to be born in India. Dating problems will be solved through an arranged marriage. The motto of arranged marriage, “No nerds left behind” will certainly be a big advantage. In fact, the nerdier I am in my future life, the more attractive woman I’ll get in India.
If I am coming back as a politician, I want to be born in India also. In the US, they make the politicians work so hard and there is all this scrutiny. In India, there is all the freedom in the world and no accountability. I asked my friend in India how come the Indian politicians are not satisfied even if their net worth is over billions of dollars. He said, “There is a saying in India that you should earn so much money that the next seven generations don’t have to work.” I said, “But their net worth will last a lot longer.” He said, “Precisely. Their net worth should support at least a hundred of their future lives.”
In my current life, I can imagine a scenario where my wife is with a doctor discussing my health. If this doctor is a Hindu, the conversation will be like this: “About your husband … I have got good news and bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” “Bad news is that he has got some serious disease and we can’t save him. My RX is to have a fresh start. A clean slate.” “What’s the good news?” “The good news is you can save a bunch of money on him.” “How?” “Because he is coming back as a dog. And this time he will be obedient, will make you happy and we will make sure he is not afraid to ask for directions. I may also refer one of my good friends who is a veterinarian. But you still might want to consider getting pet insurance!”
She might feel a little sad and may ask the doctor, “Doctor, his pulse is fading. Can I at least say goodbye.” The doctor would smile and would start singing the popular Bollywood song, “Kabhi Alvida na kehna. Never say Goodbyes.” And I’ll be wagging my tail, ruminating my cud or simply smile behind my veil. Only karma will decide!
Raajeev Aggerwhil is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow him on Instagram @raajeevcomedy or find him on YouTube.
