Raajeev Aggerwhil
By Raajeev Aggerwhil
When we lived in Virginia about twenty years back, we would visit San Francisco. We would drive south to Los Angeles to visit relatives, often taking highway 5 as opposed to the scenic highway 101, because it was faster. Highway 5 was boring. The only interesting things along the way were almond tree farms, animal farms with thousands of cramped cows, and all the exits leading to Taco Bell.
We were in love with Taco Bell. In fact, we’d start clapping with joy at the sight of one. Judging by our family, it was safe to say the fundamental rights the founding fathers envisioned in the Declaration of Independence were, “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Taco Bell.”
Our favorite item was Mexican Pizza – beans instead of beef. Two crispy fried tacos with layers of beans, cheese, tomatoes and topped with green onion in sumptuous tomato sauce and baked to perfection in a microwave. We would forget all our worries and our travel fatigue.
We visited so many Taco Bells in various states – Virginia, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Florida. The taste and experience were universally the same, except for the Taco Bell in Edison, New Jersey. I remember they wanted to charge extra for substituting beans instead of beef in our Mexican Pizza. How is that possible? Beans can be soaked in water and put in the grinder at a fraction of the price. I had to argue with the server. “But no other Taco Bell charges extra. They are always happy to substitute at no extra price. Beans always cost less than beef.”
The server told me that was their policy. I escalated to the manager. He repeated the same thing. I threatened him that I would write to the corporate office, but it was futile. I told myself that these people might be biased, perhaps even racists. I never followed up, but it helped justify keeping extra packets of Taco Bell sauces. I even started writing jokes to teach my kids lessons on frugality: “It takes 240 packets of Taco Bell sauce to fill up a 16-Oz Heinz ketchup bottle.”
After moving back to California and living in Los Angeles for over a decade, our awareness to avoid processed foods in our diet increased. Taco Bell glamour quickly got faded by the bright lights of Tinseltown. We went back to eating Aloo Gobi, Paneer and Dal. When on the road, we would opt for Subway or Chipotle instead of Taco Bell.
Recently my kids showed me an Instagram post where an Indian American was able to get over 150,000 signatures to petition Taco Bell to bring their Mexican Pizza back. I had mixed feelings! It has been so many years since I ate at Taco Bell that I did not even know that they had taken it off their menu. In a statement, the petitioner mentioned that when he was growing up, Taco Bell was an integral part of the Indian American experience. When I read that, I realized that it was true for our family too. Sadly, our kids went to Taco Bell more often than Hindu temples. It probably made us bad parents, but they never complained!
My son also showed me an Instagram account @TacoBellSommelier of Tarun Sinha, an Indian American, who spends his free time pairing wines with Taco Bell menu items. Can you imagine someone saying, “Yes, I would like to order a Mexican Pizza, beans instead of beef, some cheesy potatoes, and a glass of cabernet sauvignon.” “We are out of cab, Sir.” “OK, I’ll have a Merlot.” Somehow that conversation seemed a bit alien. My son clarified that it is for people who would order take out or those who are bold enough to BYOB – Bring Your Own Booze.
I also read that several years ago, an Indian American couple sued Taco Bell for $2,500 because they were accidentally served beef despite having given clear instructions of wanting beans. They wanted the money for a roundtrip ticket to India so they could take a bath in the Ganges to purify themselves. I have also been a victim of these mistakes in the past. I would just spit out the food, wash my mouth and point to their mistake. I would show them the receipt where it would clearly say substitute beans with beef. Most of the time they apologized and gave me a replacement. If they didn’t apologize, I would give them a stern lecture and feel better afterwards. When I read the story, I felt that the couple’s argument was weak. The judge also must have felt the same way and denied the award to the couple.
I was discussing the story about the Mexican Pizza’s comeback with my wife’s relatives, and they mentioned that I should try the Fajita Burrito. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. You know what that means? It is time to relive the quintessential Indian American experience – it is time to replenish my supply of Taco Bell sauce! It will be my cheat meal of the month. Even though I will have a Mexican Pizza for old time’s sake, I’ll cleanse my body from all the preservatives with a regimen of organic green juice afterwards.
Raajeev Aggerwhil is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow him on Instagram @raajeevcomedy. Search for him on YouTube.
