Raajeev Aggerwhil
By Raajeev Aggerwhil
This December we celebrated our dog, Turing’s 8th birthday. We got him two months after he was born, and it changed our life forever… it now involves a lot more lint rollers! My kids had been insisting on getting a dog for many years, but I managed to resist; now, he is an integral part of our lives.
I am not alone in this though; there are a lot of social media posts about immigrant dads resisting requests from their children about getting a dog but eventually giving in and becoming overly attached to the animal… and I do love to follow a good trend.
Turing is healthy — we give him top-quality food, mostly kibble but I know he prefers the delicacy of “wet meat.”
He’s a very picky dog; if I add some shredded cheese, chicken or even sour cream on the kibble he will eat it right away – that or show him that the kibble received a Michelin star. Otherwise, he will ignore the dry food entirely for a few hours and will only reluctantly come back when there is no choice.
He is like the Gordon Ramsay of dogs — just waiting to yell at me for daring to serve him plain kibble! He always gives me such guilt about having to suffer through eating normal dog food… although I think it’s a bit much when he starts playing that sad Sarah McLachlan song from the ASPCA commercials. I try not to take a hardline position. I never did with my kids either when they were growing up. “No mac and cheese today… you better eat that aloo-gobhi (cauliflower).”
For some reason, every time I am having dinner, he will still come up to me and tap my legs, urging me to give him some food. I’ve found that the solution is simple; I just lower my plate down with lentils, rice, or vegetables to his level. He takes one sniff at my plate and walks away. Apparently, lentils just don’t pass the sniff test for canines. Who knew?
I guess after all these years he is unaware of the famous proverb – “Eat your greens and grow strong”; apparently, it’s not as popular of a saying among the dog community.
In fact, in all these years, he has not had a single piece of vegetable. No spinach. No broccoli, not even a pea. The importance of greens is universally known. In Hindi, there is a saying, “Jo khaye saag, rahe sada nirog.” Those who eat greens, remain healthy forever. There is a Chinese proverb, “Greens bring peace to the stomach and joy to the soul.” And there is an African proverb, “The cow that eats greens is the one that gives the best milk.” I guess Turing doesn’t believe in any of these. He must think these proverbs are part of some vast vegetable propaganda conspiracy. I can understand him not following the African proverb because it is meant for a cow, but the Indian and the Chinese proverbs are species neutral. Maybe because we named him after a British computer scientist, and he has some element of colonialism or racial bias built in his genes.
When I was growing up in India, there was no packaged specialty dog food; my relatives would give their dog a roti, broken up in small pieces and dipped in milk. I have friends in the US who have bragged that they have been able to train their dogs to eat broccoli or even carrots. Meanwhile, I can’t even get Turing to look at a vegetable without him filing a formal protest. I can’t decide if Turing’s refusal to accept such training means he’s either stupid – or just smart enough to know what he likes. We thought of consulting a nutritionist, but our veterinarian confirmed that each dog is different. We just have to accept that he is a carnivore and eating meat is just part of his DNA… and he has to accept that it was his bad karma from a previous life that got him stuck in a vegetarian family.
Over the years, for his care, we have got quotes for various kinds of services. Some of them are shocking. Once I called a specialized vet for deep cleaning his teeth. They gave a quote for $1,200! I thought for that kind of price, I could get two new dogs and odds are one of them will have good teeth. I even considered taking him to my regular dentist and asking for a family discount.
When Turing was a puppy, my wife contacted a dog trainer. The trainer promised he could turn Turing into a completely different dog – but he also quoted $150 an hour and estimated 10 to 20 hours of training.
I laughed when I heard that and I asked my wife, “Who does he think we are? A privileged white family?” Besides, you know the old Bania saying: “Don’t spend money for a dog’s mind on promises that sound like they came from the dog’s behind.”
Ok, so that’s not actually a real saying – but it saved me money. Which reminds me of another old Bania saying: “Do whatever it takes to keep your wife from wasting your money.” Except that one isn’t real either… but it should be!
A few years ago, on one of our trips to India, we were visiting my wife’s relatives who had a Labrador. My wife’s cousin proudly told us that their dog is so well trained that he never enters the kitchen.
I asked them what treats they used for training when they got him as a puppy. He said none. He said the first time he entered the kitchen they gave him such a scare that he dared never enter the kitchen again. That seemed cruel and unusually harsh. I thought about sneaking some treats into the kitchen and pointing the dog toward it. But then I imagined him ending up in the witness protection program for disobedient pets.
I went to a seminar at Caltech where some scientist was showing a study that stated that families who have a dog have fewer allergies because they are more exposed to germs, keeping their antibodies in good shape. And those families where the dog sleeps with them have the least allergies.
I try to remember that study every night when the dog sneaks his way into our bed for snuggles. I remind myself that I’m not spoiling the dog, I’m running a nightly immunity boot camp for my family!
During the last eight years, we have managed to take care of Turing by following basic common sense and providing a nurturing, caring environment. We never had to raise a hand and rarely raised our voice. As a Bania, I am proud to say that we have spent no money on individual training and have managed to get good care from vets and dental hygienists at a decent price.
We are so lucky to have him, and I know that he’s happy too… even if he is stuck with the horrors of living with a vegetarian family.
Happy Birthday, Turing!
Raajeev Aggerwhil is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow him on Instagram @raajeevcomedy or @IndianComedyCouple. To see his videos on YouTube: youtube.com/c/raajeevcomedy.
