Raajeev Aggerwhil
By Raajeev Aggerwhil
Whenever I call Apple support, I always get someone from India. It’s like being part of a family and friends’ program. Almost every call is answered by my family members. I’m pretty sure the “i” in “iPhone” secretly stands for “India”.
My relatives complain “You never call!” But it’s not true; I speak to my family all the time! Just last week I called my nephew Mohan about my email client, and then last Friday I spoke with my cousin Shanti about how to get into my iTunes account – and don’t worry Sushil; I’m pretty sure I feel a virus coming on soon!
If I don’t call my family enough, it’s really their fault; it just means they’re too good at fixing my tech support problems!
I got a call from an Indian Telemarketer Agent. His accent was so thick, even I couldn’t understand him. I have been in America for so long that even I can’t understand all these foreigners. Heck, I can’t even understand my own relatives. “I am sorry, no comprendo. You have a horrible accent. Why can’t you speak like an American?”
He said, “This is American Bob, calling from the IRS. You owe, 10,000 Rupees, Oops, sorry dollars.” I think if you fall for a cheap scam like this, you should be kicked out of the country. It’s about time to Make America Smart Again.
The call didn’t turn out well for him, because I didn’t have any money to give him… and worse, I had a lot of free time. I decided to mess with him. I asked him, “Bob, what does IRS stand for?” He couldn’t answer. I said, I’ll give you a hint; it’s not “Indian Robo Scam”.
He told me he couldn’t answer all three letters… but he was pretty sure the “R” stood for “Rupees”.
I told him what he was doing was illegal and I would report him to the FBI! The NSC! Heck, I’ll even call the CDC, UPS, and KFC!
At this point he was getting pretty scared, so naturally I did the honorable thing… and kept grilling him. “Tell me where you are calling from?”
“Noida, Sir. Near Delhi.”
I said, “Look, I won’t report you, but you have to do me a favor. I have this niece in Delhi. Can you go out with her? You aren’t married, are you?”
“No, Sir. I am not married.”
“So, you’ll go out with her?”
“Yes, Sir, I’ll go out with her. As long as you don’t report me to ESPN and CVS!”
I told him that I’ll introduce them over WhatsApp. They went out and agreed to get married a week later. As a wedding gift, I gave him the original 10,000 he had asked for on that fateful telemarking call… in Rupees, not dollars. So, it only cost me about $125. It was definitely worth it. I don’t say it to my family, but my niece is not the prettiest flower in the family. In fact, many people stay away from her because of her looks, which I think is a terrible reason to judge someone. If you’re going to judge someone, judge them for who they are on the inside… and then avoid her for that, because her personality is pretty awful too.
The telemarketer tried to scam me for 10,000 Rupees and I was able to unload my niece on him. My family has grown, and everyone is happy. And that’s the most important thing in the world – family. Because you never know… when you’re going to forget your iPhone password.
Raajeev Aggerwhil is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow him on Instagram @raajeevcomedy or @IndianComedyCouple. To see his videos on YouTube: youtube.com/c/raajeevcomedy.
