Raajeev Aggerwhil
By Raajeev Aggerwhil
My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. When people look at my wife and I, they get the impression that we are so happy. That comes from living in Hollywood for so long. Everything here is fake. Fake happiness. Fake smiles. Fake beer. Fake chicken. Fake tofu. Fake flowers. Fake grass. Fake face. Fake man. Fake woman. Fake marriage.
OK, I admit our marriage is not fake. It is real. However, like any married couple, we have ups and downs in our marriage. As I have mentioned in my previous writings, my wife does comedy. It is much cheaper and more fun to talk about our problems in front of a live audience. People laugh and it is like a free marriage therapy session for us. Therapy is $150 an hour. Open mike is $5 an hour. That’s 30 open mikes for the price of one therapy.
People ask us if my wife and I perform comedy together. We generally don’t. On the lineup, she goes first and makes fun of my cheapness, my absent-mindedness, and my relatives. Then I go up and make fun of my cheapness, absent-mindedness, and our dog. People persist in asking why we don’t perform together. I tell them that I don’t want to lose half of my jokes to divorce.
Jokes, like children, take time to develop. They take on a life of their own. Jokes can take up to months or sometimes years to fully mature. There can be issues with delivery. It is a painstaking process from conception to delivery. The delivery of a joke is sometimes as intensive as the delivery of a child. Imagine the dialogue:
“This one is overdue by 4 days. Can we induce?”
“No, honey. We don’t need it. It can have potential side effects.”
“But it’s hurting. I have been at it for hours.”
“That’s OK, honey. That’s why it’s called labor.”
“This pain is unbearable. I need a shot now.”
“No, no. It can have side effects on our future jokes. You can do without ChatGPT. Breathe In. And Breathe Out. And now push.”
“Yes, I can see the premise!” Now push more. “That’s it!” “Congratulations! It’s a blue.”
“PG or Blue. We welcome you.”
“I am happy as long as it’s funny.”
Like our kids, our jokes have their own strengths and weaknesses. One kid is better at basketball, another kid is better at tennis and the third one is stronger in chess. Just like when we were raising our children, we like to focus on the strengths of the jokes.
Some jokes do better in front of an Indian audience and other jokes are more suitable for an American audience. Some work better in club settings when people are more comfortable laughing in the anonymous dark.
I wondered if something happened to our marriage, how would the jokes be divided? Then I consoled myself that it shouldn’t be too bad… as long as I get to keep the good ones.
When I asked my wife about this hypothetical scenario, she said, “It shouldn’t be too bad … as long as I get to keep the good ones.”
This is very subjective thinking and since our thinking is very similar this could be a difficult decision.
I have some jokes of my own. My wife has some jokes of her own. These jokes were developed individually, so these jokes were born out of immaculate conception. My wife has some jokes that she developed with a friend. I call those jokes my step-jokes. Then we have some jokes that we have developed jointly. Those are the ones that are difficult. Who gets custody?
One thought would be that she would take the premises and I would keep the punchlines. But that not only seems unfair, but it also seems inhumane. Jokes are like living breathing entities. They can’t be divided in the middle.
California is a community property state. We have joint custody of the jokes… the ones we developed together. We brainstormed to do some contingent planning. We decided if our situation at home takes a wrong turn in the future, she could tell jokes on Friday to Sunday. I get them from Monday to Thursday.
If there is a special occasion like a comedy festival or a special gathering, I get the first rights. But I need to give 2 weeks’ notice. That’s what you get for living in a community property state.
By the way, our real children are precious too, but they are all grown up. They make their own decisions about custody. But our poor little jokes are dependent on us. And we both love all of them equally.
Last year, we got invited to do a duo gig at a wedding and we couldn’t say no. We told them that we would be honored to bless their wedding with our jokes. They are divorced now! Luckily, they had no children and no shared jokes to worry about.
In our case, we have our children, our jokes and shared memories of over 25 years … and all of these make our marriage resilient to the tumultuous challenges of life! And that’s no joke!
Raajeev Aggerwhil is a Los Angeles-based comedian. Follow him on Instagram @raajeevcomedy or @IndianComedyCouple. To see his videos on YouTube: youtube.com/c/raajeevcomedy.
